Diary Entry 6: End of Summer

07/21/26

This entry was written in bits and pieces across the summer so it's a bit fragmented. I have been watching basketball with my sister and baking a lot of french macarons this June.

After several batches of trial and error, I finally found the recipe that turned out the most consistently for me. I also tried out different buttercreams to use for the filling and found that Creme Anglaise Butter Cream tastes the best since it’s not very sweet but rich and custardy. It also is a great way to use the leftover egg yolks from making the meringue. The hardest part of making macarons is A) knowing when to stop whipping your meringue and B) perfecting the macaronage process. My advice for the meringue is to whip for around 8 minutes on medium high with a hand mixer, until it turns pretty glossy and forms very thin, stiff peaks when you pull out the mixer. For the macaronage process, you don’t have to be so delicate when mixing. In order to avoid forming hollows inside the shells, it is crucial to smear the batter on the side of the bowl with the flat of the spatula. This process smothers out the air and makes the batter more lava-like.

I also spent the earlier half of the summer decorating my new davinci journal. I need to film a flip through eventually.

Since I moved back home from college, I redecorated my childhood room to be more cozy. It’s not exactly where I want it to be but I am keeping an eye out for affordable antiques. I also can’t put wallpaper up so I hung up lilac jacquard fabric instead. I love how softly the light diffuses off of it to create a pretty sheen.

My Kaoru Fujiwara’s 2002 artbook finally came in the mail and it is now one of my most prized possessions. It made me happy to see so many beautiful pieces of Ren. The way she draws expressions is the most longing yet haunting I’ve ever seen. Timeless. A lot of her compositions give off a liminal feeling, as if they exist somewhere between memory and a dream. When flipping through her book, I love to listen to atonal music like Schoenberg’s Pierrot Lunaire. It encapsulates her atmosphere perfectly. I miss her.

I haven’t really played any new games this summer. I started Fear and Hunger but have not made much progress. I watched a lot of Moriarty the Patriot and finished Vampire Knight (Zero my beloved). Spent a lot of time reading fics on ao3 as well... and Aizawa was the character I hyperfixated the most on this summer. That's saying a lot. Oh, I also want to talk about the recent Valko LADS scandal because it is still so hilarious to me. For one, I am relieved he is cancelled because that dude is the definition of western booktok male gaze… he looks like gigachad Thanos to me. I think I just got the ick to seeing so much testosterone. At the very least, give the hybrid wolf character an actual wolf cut!!!

I will start “professional” school for my doctorate soon… I am it. I met up with my assigned mentor who is a year older than me and she told me her first year, she would come home at 6 and study until 11 PM daily. Hearing that absolutely terrified me because I lived like that in high school and it was the lowest point of my life mentally and physically. I am so afraid I won’t have any energy or time left outside of school for the things I love and nourish me emotionally and spiritually. It also does not help that most of the people in these settings are very Type A, so I’m fearful I’ll lose my spark being surrounded by a sterile environment all the time. The fact that I’ll have to wear scrubs 24/7 gives me a bit of an identity crisis. This idea of having to water myself down to appear professional for school is so dumb to me. The reason I had to dye my hair black instead of a desired color was because it was a regulation for students to have natural hair colors. I really wish alternative styles weren't regarded as signs of incompetence in healthcare settings. Although, that didn't stop me from wearing my favorite liz lisa dress to my white coat ceremony!

Hopefully, being stuck in something I don’t really like will motivate me to gravitate towards the things I love that much harder. I have always longed to work in a more creative field, but because of my parents incredibly strict rules + certain financial responsibilities + my own reluctance to monetize my art and risk ruining my relationship with it, I went down the path of medicine. Growing up in a home environment where my artistic nature was constantly smothered and belittled has led me to become my own biggest motivator for growth though. My stubbornness/willingness to see through the things I like, simply because of my love and passion for it, is one of my strengths I am counting on to get me through these next four years. My philosophy I am trying to adapt is to “work on my craft little by little every day.” Anything is better than nothing. I’m just going to try my best to be gentle with myself and keep on nurturing my craft as much as I can.

Update: Welp I just got back home from my first day and I cried my brains out on the car ride home to bjork. I just felt like I wasn’t where I was supposed to be the entire day and I was just constantly dissociating during the orientation. My social battery was also so drained after meeting people in my new class. I just feel like I’m living a lie and my soul is begging me to go one way but I keep heading in the opposite direction because I was conditioned to go there since I was a child. I tend to struggle with big changes cus of my anxiety...I talked to my best friend (who thank god is going to the same school as me) afterwards and I felt better. He told me I need to give myself more grace cus it was only the first day, and it was hard and different. I just need to adapt and I'll find a way to make it work. I need to make a decision and make it the best decision. I need to now MAKE time for my art, which will be the hardest part, but I’m going to try and be positive and stay true to myself.
Update #2: Ok second day is over and I feel a little better. I think once I have a routine down I'll be able to start feeling more calm and in control.
Update #3: Third day is done. A lot of people in my class are nice, and several tried to get to know me. I'm pretty shy and don't really initiate talking to people unless they start the conversation so I was internally grateful. I also drew a lot during lecture and it helped me calm down. Trying to stay positive.

Diary Entry 5: Tokyo and Korea Recap

06/01/26

Wow… I have not updated in months. I have so much to cover so this blog post will be a very long one. In the past two-ish months that I’ve been mostly offline, I graduated undergrad and also spent a month traveling in east asia! Since I had no finals this semester, I decided to fly to Tokyo with my friend a week before classes even ended LOL, and I also skipped my commencement ceremony since I’d have to wait another few weeks to attend that. So worth it. I absolutely despise big, public events like graduation and also find them extremely anxiety-inducing, so thank god attendance isn't required by my university.

I will attempt to recap the highlights of my Tokyo trip in semi-chronological order.

On our first night, we landed around 5 P.M. at the airport and I was actually delirious at this point (I felt like my sims when they have a red plumbob and are slumped over on the floor ready to die), but as soon as I started seeing the city lights my adrenaline kicked in and I felt good as new. After dropping off our stuff in our hotel in Shinjuku, my friend and I decided to go to revolving sushi for dinner then headed to Kabukicho( ¬⩊¬).

My friend had been gushing about trying out a host club for weeks prior to our trip, so I was pretty curious to see what all the hype was about.

As soon as we stepped foot into Kabukicho, there were these shady middlemen EVERYWHERE that tried to rizz their way into getting us to their host club. My friend is much more fluent in Japanese since she’s visited a lot since childhood, so she was able to negotiate with a guy who offered the biggest discount for first timers. We ended up following him into a sketchy alleyway where there was a group of other middlemen… ngl at this point my friend and I were both getting weirded out. After the guy called someone on the phone, he led us to yet another super sketchy building where there was a room full of girls (also waiting to be led to a host club I’m assuming?) After waiting for a bit, we were led as a group to a host club nearby and after entering, my friend and I were escorted to a booth and served tea. The interior was pretty well done? It was dimly lit and I remember most of the furniture to be in the style of a cheap, regal theme. The hosts took turns coming up to our booth and introducing themselves, and I was able to decently communicate using a mix of japanese and google translate. I just remember I felt awkward and out of place cus I'm atrociously bad at small talk. My friend thankfully had a much better time, since she could actually get their cheesy pick up lines and struggled less with the stuff that was lost in translation for me. When it was finally over, we had to choose our favorite host to walk us out (this part also made me want to kms).

The next morning, I got my hair cut and dyed back to black at a salon. I asked for a layered, sheena-ringo inspired bob lol I was pretty happy with how it turned out.

Then, my friend and I went shopping in Harajuku!

I ended up spending most of my time and money in LaForet. For anyone who loves lolita, that mall is heaven on earth.

I ended up buying a BABY parasol and headlace from Alice and the Pirates, a steampunk coin purse from Maison de Atelier Pierrot, a key wallet from Anna Sui, and also splurged on a Victorian Maiden Jewelry Classical Doll Long OP. I wasn’t planning on making such a big purchase, but I couldn't resist after trying it on! It was the first time I felt that level of elegance wearing a dress. I really wanted to buy the matching Elegant Straw Canotier, but did not feel like dropping another hundred dollars on a hat.

Afterwards, my friend and I split up because she had her hair appointment, so I went to abilletage!!

I ended up buying 4 pairs of tights (which are some of my most favorite purchases of my entire trip) and the store worker was so sweet and helpful. I also visited closet child’s Harajuku location but was left surprisingly disappointed at the limited selection. Since I had some time to kill, I decided to look around Anime Store B-Point, which had a decently organized selection of character merch, and I also stopped by the BABY THE STARS SHINE BRIGHT store in Shibuya.

By this time, the soles of my feet felt like they were being stabbed by a knife so I was desperately trying to find anywhere to sit, when I happened to stumble across a JJK popup!! There were a lot of animation frames and reference sheets on display but they had a no camera policy ;-;. Seeing Yuta's cardboard cutout was like drinking a free energy shot.

Ok this blog post is getting so long so from now on I will try to summarize the stuff I did by region instead of chronologically.
In Shibuya, I ended up visiting tower records, animate, a bluelock popup, and Shibuya 109. I basically spent the entirety of my time in tower records geeking out over Sheena Ringo CD’s and looking for Bjork’s vinyls.

Shibuya 109 was huge! Most of the subculture clothing being sold were in the jirei-kei style, which I’ve largely outgrown. But, I did end up buying a set-up from Secret Honey. I also was super stoked to see d.i.a. and purchased a belt, but it broke after one wear :(.

My friend and I got parfaits at a nearby cafe.

That night I ended up going to the biggest Don Quijote in Shibuya, which was overstimulation final boss. It was around 7 stories tall and by far was the most stressful, crowded shopping experience of my life. At night, we visited tokyo tower and had a dinner picnic on the lawn... but it was FREEZING cold and we were both in shorts T-T.

To recap all of the stuff I did in Shinjuku, I spent a lot of the time at the Shinjuku Marui Annex mall. They had a Dollyteria there, and I was hoping to find some Pullips at a decent price. The deals weren’t as good as I had expected, so I ended up passing, but the dopamine rush from seeing so many beautiful dolls made the visit worth it.

The 7th floor entirely consists of Animega, and I definitely recommend the store if you want character merch and figures at a good price. Marui Annex is also known for carrying several lolita brands, and the one I loved the most was HoshibakoWorks. I ended up purchasing a headband and the staff were so sweet. For night time activities, if you like techno/industrial clubs I highly recommend Ohjo Bldg in Kabukicho. The venue is a historic building in the design of a red castle, and it originally used to be a kissaten/cabaret. The DJ lineup was incredible and I also loved the sound/lighting system.

I went to Ginza to visit itoya, as I love journaling and stationary. I ended up buying a bunch of A6 refills and my dream planner, Raymay Davinci’s Roroma Classic Bible-Style Planner!!! It had been on my wishlist for ages, but it’s notoriously hard to find one for a decent price in America, so finally getting my hands on one felt like a dream come true.

I also visited this local udon restaurant for lunch and they served the best tempura I’ve ever had in my life.

Later that week I visited Swallowtail, Butler Cafe in Akihabara!

As the number one Sebastian stan, it was definitely the peak of my trip and I will never forget the experience. I seriously felt like I isekaied into a different dimension for an hour. As soon as we entered, we stepped into a narrow hallway with red velvet carpet and were greeted by 3 butlers bowing in a row, saying “welcome home, lady!” That immediately made my knees weak LMAO. All 3 butlers started treating me like royalty, as one pulled out my chair, the other put my purse away, and the last placed a napkin on my lap. The interior of the cafe was so grand and thoughtfully decorated. I remember being completely stunned and immersed in the environment. The other girls around us were dressed in classic lolita and tall and slender butlers moved gracefully between tables, with trays balanced in their hands. I seriously felt like I was transported to a grand Victorian mansion.

They have a no picture policy, but I attached one from the web for reference. Huge chandeliers, dark wooden furniture, and velvet red curtains with the background noise of clinking silverware further added to the opulent atmosphere. I ordered the afternoon tea set, and while the presentation was amazing, it tasted a teeny bland. The tea, however, was divine! They also had a huge selection of fancy teas I'd never heard of before. The butler requires you to ring a bell whenever you want to switch between plates or need a refill, and ours was super attentive and made great conversation with us! When it was time to be escorted out, the butlers roleplayed as if it was time for us to go horseback riding. I couldn’t recommend the cafe enough!

Afterwards, I headed to Sunshine City mall to visit axes femme and OZZONESTE. I was trying my hardest to keep myself from freaking out after seeing all of the beautiful, gothic OZZONESTE pieces around me. They were all SO well crafted but the price tags made my eyes water, so I sadly left empty handed.

To end my time in Ikebukuro, I went full otaku mode and went to animate and all of the K-Books locations, including the Yaoi dungeon. I ended up buying some black butler, vampire knight, and LADS Caleb merch.

For dinner that night, my friend and I met up in Ebisu Yokocho to eat and drink. It was this narrow, crowded alley packed with izakyas and had a super lively + bustling atmosphere.

In Shimokitazawa, I spent most of my time vintage shopping. My friend and I ate curry for lunch, then we visited a cute retro styled kissaten!

I met up with my Japanese friend at Disneyland!! It was my first time meeting her irl and I was nervous as usual, but she was so so sweet and gifted me figurines of my FAVS (Gojo and Todoroki).

The whole experience was magical and I teared up on the Beauty and the Beast ride at the “Be our Guest” part. The animatronics were incomparable to the ones at Disneyland California… I was literally starstruck at how they moved so smoothly and realistically. Another memorable ride was the Pirates of Caribbean attraction. There was this cannonball scene that was SO immersive, and Jack Sparrow’s animatronic looked so lifelike it felt almost uncanny. We took purikuras and then went to visit Mickey Mouse. The wait was quite long, but I hope they were paying whoever was in that suit enough because he was giving us 200% (he was literally jumping on to us XD).

My friend also got us tickets for Mickey’s Magical Music World, which turned out to be SPECTACULAR. I was utterly blown away by the production quality and I also almost cried from how moved I was at the end of the performance. At night time, we visited the parade and also watched the fireworks show at Cinderella’s castle. Cinderella blew a kiss to me at the parade and I felt as if an idol noticed me.

Ok so that covers most of the stuff I did in Tokyo… Now on to Korea. My friend and I are both Korean so we parted ways for the most part after landing since we both had family to visit. My sister also met up with me in Seoul. I stayed for two weeks, and spent most of my time chilling with my cousins. Later, I spent several days in Daegu to visit my extended family. My favorite purchases I made in Korea were at Pashop/파샵 in Daegu, which is the cutest anime + sticker store. My sister bought like 4 figures from there, and I ended up spending way too much on pins/stickers. They carry a huge variety of pretty niche artists, such as @ws_wa4a! And the worker was SO nice and pretty, she gave me so many freebies T-T and was amazed I came all the way from the states.

Back in Seoul, I went to PC bangs a lot with my sister and cousin to grind Fortnite LOL.

I also went to Lotte world in rental school uniforms with my friend and sister.

There happened to be a Maplestory event going on when we went, which brought me back to my days in elementary school. We ended up riding all the big roller coasters, which weren’t too scary, and headed to Haidilao after watching the parade. I also went clubbing in Itaewon and it was so much fun. After experiencing the hell of club culture that exists in America, it was so refreshing to actually enjoy club hopping. We got sloshed out of our minds and went to karaoke to sing sheena ringo songs. By the time we got back it was already light outside.

On my last day in Korea, my friend took me to a Buddhist temple. I really enjoyed my time there and found the whole experience to be inspirational and very calming.

That wraps up my trip recap! Thanks for reading. I will do a separate post on my hyperfixations page regarding my haul, althought it is mostly just stationary stuff. I spent all of the money I saved up from my TA job so I will be surviving off rice from now on :').

Diary Entry 4: Gaming, Akira Yamaoka, and Neanderthals

03/13/26

I recently finished Resident Evil Requiem. I absolutely loved the grandeur and design of the Rhodes Hill chronic care center. So many of the rooms and offices left me ogling as I ADORE when games have environments with creepy, old sanatorium atmospheres. It was just so beautifully designed and I really appreciated all the attention to detail. I read online that the architectural style took a lot of inspiration from baroque classicism, with the strict symmetry, classic ionic order on the side wings, and the pediment over the entrance being typical for classicism. The french baroque elements include the mansard roofs on the sides, the huge central dome, and the overall attempt to impress visitors from the front. I am a huge fan of the checkered tiling, wooden paneling, and color palette of the rooms. I hope some concept art of the care center will be released. Having this as the first location of the game definitely set the bar really high for me. As the game progressed, I was really excited to explore other areas in the same style and atmosphere, but unfortunately that was not the case. For how engrossed I was in the care center, switching back to Leon in Raccoon city killed a lot of the momentum and immersiveness for me. I was not as huge of a fan of Raccoon City, or the drab environment, and got a bit bored with Leon’s time there. I feel like some part of the game dragged and it started to feel like I was playing Leon in the Last of Us. Although, don’t get me wrong, dilf Leon was hot as FUCK!!! The whimpering with the lifetime of regret in his eyes. Just Damn.

When I went back home from uni for a weekend, I started playing Fallout on my ps4 because my dad wanted to watch me play it for some reason. I actually was really hooked by the early plot introduction and world building. I didn’t get too far though, and kind of lost interest once most of the actual fighting/gameplay began. Oh I also need to talk about LADS because of the recent chinese historical multi banner. I was especially looking forward to it because of my love for xianxia but I was SO dissapointed with Caleb's card. Like... it was blatantly obvious that infold just scrapped something together last minute for him. The background was just a forest and looked so similar to a previous multi of his. I was really hoping that he/his outfit would have a more "general" vibe, to match his canon characterization... but alas they gave that to Zayne. I also pulled for Xavier's card + outfit because I could not resist. I think his outfit and hair looked the best. I ended up losing the 50/50 to Zayne while pulling for Xavier, so I got 3 cards from the multibanner!! As a mostly F2P player, I was not afraid to splurge my diamonds for this one. Next, we wait for Caleb's myth (praying it is not some fuck ass jungle theme). Here are some pics of them with mc. They are so cute together.

I also finished playing Alisa. It is a modern survival horror game that mimics the PS1 era and is basically if an Alice in Wonderland aesthetic met resident evil. It’s set in the 1920s and follows the story of an elite royal agent (aka hot military lady) who wakes up wearing lolita in a Victorian dollhouse after chasing a wanted thief. As I love everything Victorian, this nostalgic yet unsettling game was right up my alley. I was especially fond of the uncanny voice acting, which I could tell drew inspiration from silent hill. The different locations, especially the circus and the gothic cathedral, were all very memorable and I appreciated how well the enemies corresponded to each area. The mansion has crawling broken dolls and rifle-carrying nutcrackers, while the circus has clowns and monkeys, so every section feels really distinct and thoughtfully designed. I will include some of my favorite rooms below.

Last week, I went to Akira Yamaoka’s concert alone. I still can’t believe I saw him… IN THE FLESH. He is actually such a legendary producer/composer and I am still unable to process the fact that I saw THE king of videogame soundtracks. My love for dark ambient, industrial, and trip hop stems from the silent hill series, so I am forever indebted to this man. One of my top five favorite songs of all time (I do not take this title lightly) is Peace and Serenity from Silent Hill 2. The song has gotten me through the hardest times in my life, and is my equivalent of those “Healing Frequency” videos. Anyways, I went to the concert expecting to hear him play his ambient tracks but turns out, I ended up head banging at a rock show!! He played 2 hours of nu-metal tracks with his tour band and shredded on his guitar like an absolute mad man. The vocalist was also incredible and had great energy. For the encore, his band came out dressed as ZZ Top’s Sharped Dress Man and performed MGS3 "Snake Eater." Oh my days. Actually life changing. My friend picked me up from the concert and we got sake bombs and crispy rice sushi.

I also recently had my first School of Song class with Arca. The experience was beyond words and really helped me get out of my creative rut. I made the first piece I resonated with in months, and the feeling of creating simultaneously with a thousand other people was so rejuvenating; it even made me feel empowered in a way. Music has always been a very isolating hobby for me, partly due to my lack of confidence in my skills and theory knowledge, so it felt really healing and freeing to feel it in a new, more collaborative light. She shared such great insight into her creative process and was also very vulnerable with us. One of the points that resonated with me was when she said creating music is a way to heal and re-integrate parts of ourselves that may have been fractured due to trauma. It was moving to me that she felt very emotional and even shed a few tears because she felt overwhelmed by the support and shared love for music. In the final hour of class, she produced a new song live. All I have to say is Arca is MY mozart. I find it so inspirational how she is not afraid of experimenting with new sounds and rhythms, and she just executes it all masterfully. I am so excited for the upcoming classes!

Studying for my last few midterms was rough. In immunology, my professor let us bring one notecard to reference on the exam. I need to frame this thing. My human bio midterm went well though, and I really enjoyed studying Neanderthals. Did you know that humans and Neanderthals coexisted and reproduced multiple times before they went extinct? We have about 2% of them left in our DNA. Most of the reproduction was done between Neanderthal men and human women. Freaks!!! They were also very culturally complex and made use of much of the same, advanced tools as we did during the middle Paleolithic era. (Their brains were in fact slightly larger than ours.)

After the exam, I checked out a new antique shop with my friend. The place was PACKED with weird treasures (teeth impressions and shrunken heads) and was like a museum of oddities. They even had a human skeleton displayed at the register. There were a lot of different vendors who sold antiques from all over the world and tons of different taxidermy scattered throughout the store.

I bought this temple bell for only five bucks and got my sister a necklace. Afterwards we pigged out at our favorite asian buffet.

For more in general stuff, I've been pretty depressed this past month. My anxiety has gone through the roof. I want to make more music but I physically feel frozen when I try/want to. I hope to overcome this and be more gentle with myself. I also want to be more productive with my time outside of school. One thing I am proud of is that I have been pretty consistent with piano. I'm trying to learn all of my triads and inversions, and then slowly work my way to more complex chord types. I decided to to take up piano as I hope this will help me have a better medium to express the stuff I hear in my head, as opposed to getting that flow broken up by trying to click notes one by one in the DAW piano roll. Here's to a softer spring!

Diary Entry 3: Netherlands and Germany

01/20/26

Hello again. This past winter break, I traveled to Europe for the first time to meet my discord friend of 5 years! It was my first time traveling abroad by myself, and also meeting an online friend irl. I’ll refer to her as ‘blue’ moving forward. A little backstory, I met her doing my quarantine youtube era when I was a niche internet microcelebrity…man those were the days. She joined my channel server and the rest is history. We had always joked about doing a VIP “meet and greet” where I would fly out to meet her, so I started dissociating real bad on the 14 hour plane ride there. I couldn’t sleep at allll because of my nerves. It also doesn’t really help that I used to have a crush on her a while back (she was a masc lesbian for years… but then she suddenly turned straight and got a bf a month after I booked my flight, god what are the odds T-T). I never confessed because she’d mentioned multiple times in passing that she could never do long distance with anyone. Anyways, when I got off the plane my legs were jelly and my heart was literally beating out of my chest because of my anxiety. Blue had texted me that she was waiting right outside the baggage claim but I had gotten out at a different exit so I ended up surprising her from behind. At this point though, I had been awake for like 23+ hours so I was pretty delirious. The initial meeting was like me collapsing into an asian squat from anxiety while hiding my face and her shuffling her feet around from nerves. It’s pretty hilarious now that I’m thinking about it.
My initial impression of the Netherlands was how the airport (and other buildings in the area) all looked like they were part of some IKEA franchise. The trees were also vastly different from how they looked back in the states. Very, very tall, narrow, and all planted in neat rows along the road. After I took a long nap at her place, we visited the lovely canal district in Amsterdam. We went several days in a row there because she wanted me to experience it during the day and night time. I remember being in such awe of the historical architecture and the Central Station. The narrow, leaning canal houses all had so much charm and character to them, and Blue and I spent a lot of our time just walking around and admiring different alcoves and wooden doorways. The orange glow of the street lamps and Christmas lights also added to the cozy ambiance. In the canal district, we first visited the torture museum! It was just awesome. The building itself was quite small but there was a good amount of stuff to look at, including replicas of torture devices used in the middle ages, and overall the experience was quite informative. Afterwards, a chill guy that had been behind us in the museum tried to make conversation and we ended up talking to him for two hours in the freezing cold. He was visiting from Belarus and was homeless for the night (it was NYE and the hostel he was staying at raised their prices from 20 to 100 euros a night so he said fuck that and decided to just kill time at random parties later on). Later that night we went back to Blue’s neighbourhood and watched the fireworks from her front yard. If there’s one thing I learned about the Dutch, it’s that they do NOT play about their fireworks. At one point, I remember feeling like I was in the Purge because of how many explosives were going off in the streets. The air was thick with smoke and the sheer amount of fireworks going off in every direction within a couple feet was exhilarating but simultaneously very culture-shocking (there were sparks raining down on our coats cus fireworks were being shot literally above our heads).

The next two days we went to the canal district again and I ate a bunch of overpriced but delectable stroopwaffels and these Dutch cheese crackers called kaaskoekjes. We also visited this maze-like antique store with so many unique booths and Blue ended up buying me this gorgeous comb with a silver, engraved case as a souvenir. I ended up purchasing a pair of ornate Dutch tea spoons from a really kind seller who ran a military antique shop. The selection he had was nuts, but I couldn’t afford the shoulder bag I wanted.

Unfortunately, a lot of the other places we wanted to visit were closed because of the holidays, so we did a bunch of window shopping instead. At night we went to Asia town and I took pictures in front of the store where Yung Lean filmed his Kyoto MV!! We also passed through the Red Light district on the way there but I felt too awkward to take my eyes off the road and glance at the windows T-T. Before we went back home, we stood in line for the fries. I say this with a heavy heart but the Dutch fries were so overrated. I even got mine with the truffle mayo but Wendy's still clears by a landslide. They were just too thick/boxy and not even that crispy. The perfect fry to me is when the fry is crispy but has a thin body for max flavor to potato ratio, and these fries felt really bland, even with the sauce (which was also very mid) and they also only put the sauce on top of the cone of fries, so you’re left with a bunch of dry, bland fries once you finish the top layer. Later that night we watched Blue Velvet and made Dutch pancakes (which were like savory crepes, super yummy).

Now I’m going to quickly go over the last two-day trip to Köln, Germany because I’m half asleep writing this. This part of the trip was the highlight for me. First of all, it felt like I was going on a catholic pilgrimage–awesome– and second of all it was snowing pretty hard in cologne so the cathedral looked straight out of Bloodborne.

I had worn my black velvet Lady Macbeth coat with my burgundy marc le bihan skirt and was listening to the Bloodborne soundtrack while walking around the cathedral imagining I was a hunter in snowy Yharnam… so basically I was in heaven. I can hardly describe the feeling of standing in the presence of the cathedral, like I could spend days just staring at it and soaking it all in. The sheer size and magnitude of the cathedral alone was unregisterable to me, it was so otherworldly and dreamlike that I felt like I was staring at a projection or a mirage. Blue and I spent hours sitting in the pews staring at the stained glass and the majestic pipe organ while listening to Kavari, melokei, and more soulsborne soundtracks. Pure bliss. I’m not religious anymore but I really think I felt God in that cathedral. My creativity was reinvigorated for sure. After attending a mini mass ceremony, we decided to do the cathedral tour, which consists of A) climbing a flight of narrow spiraling stairs to the top of the church and B) the treasury. It was difficult trying not to slip in a tight, steep, dimly lit ascent consisting of 533 steps to the top, but the view at the end was so rewarding. It was also so cool experiencing the inside of the bell tower, as it had the same vibe as Lady Maria's boss fight in the clock tower. The treasury was structured like a museum, housing religious artifacts and relics like chalices, vestments, and even the shrine of the three kings! The craftsmanship on these items were jaw dropping, and the level of detail given to the intricate engravings and jewel placements quite literally blessed my eyes. Before we left, I spotted the only lolita I came across during my entire trip and we talked for half an hour! Her coord was all white and she looked like an angel in front of the cathedral. We also became obsessed with the "Lebkuchen" lattes from the Starbucks across the cathedral. I think we drank three in one day...yeesh. (Turns out if wasn't a German specific menu item and was just a regular gingerbread latte FML).

At night, we visited the best restaurant in the world: Lord of the Grillz. If you are into medieval themed places and want to feel like you genuinely teleported into a tavern/skyrim this place is a MUST. Like it made my heart burst with how well the restaurant was decorated and themed. The cozy and theatrical ambience was IMPECCABLE. Firstly, your table is lit by candlelight and the innkeepers/wait staff are all dressed in period clothing and they not only banter with you, but they also speak entirely to you in Old English. Secondly, they give you knight armor and crowns to wear while dining (the menu is spectacular), and the interior was furnished very meticulously. Tons of taxidermy, stone walls with torches, mysterious bottles, a full on armor stand chilling by the bathrooms. I ordered the black metal burger with an apple pie for dessert and they were both delicious. 10000000/10 stars. I’m seriously not gonna stop raving about this place until I die. If I lived in Germany, I would dine here every week. Not kidding.

I also want to quickly mention the hotel we stayed at because I highly recommend it if you ever visit Köln and are a lover of Gothic revival. The building itself is a historical beauty, being that it used to be a monastery, so right away in the lobby you’re greeted with gorgeous ribbed vault ceilings, pointed arches, and stone columns with carved capitals. The hotel rooms also have these beautiful gothic tracery windows. It’s about a 10-15 walk from the cathedral and called THE QVEST. Two other restaurants we dined at include Oma's Küche and FRÜH "Em Jan von Werth.” Oma’s Küche was a small and cute, cozy restaurant we stopped by for breakfast. I ordered the “Currywurst mit Karoffeln” (curry sausage with fried potatoes) and the food was a 7/10. Blue and I couldn’t stop laughing at the interesting poster of an AI grandma covering the kitchen. FRÜH "Em Jan von Werth”was an old historical pub and the food was amazing. Blue ordered a Schweinshaxe (roasted pork knuckle) which was so tender, crispy, juicy, and flavorful. I ordered the “‘Brauhausewurst‘ Krakauer vom Grill mit Bratkartoffeln und Krautsalat,” which was a sausage with pan fried potatoes and cabbage salad. Oh and they also make the BEST apple strudel I've ever had in my life. It was served with this vanilla cream and it melted in my mouth. Overall, I’m so happy with how my first trip to Europe turned out, even though a snowstorm hit the Netherlands before I left, cancelling my flight home two times. It was a bit stressful but I made it back home before the semester started, and thanks to the storm I got to actually play in the snow and build a snowman for the first time. I shot a bunch of footage on my camcorder that I’m hoping to edit into a little video diary when I have the time. I will update the post with the link when I get the chance. Thanks for reading my very disorganized post if you made it this far. I’m going to bed now.

Diary Entry 2: Winter Break and GD

12/29/25

This winter break I’ve been in a weird place mentally. Time feels like it's moving way too fast, and I can’t really remember how I spent most of it. I also feel a bit worthless because I haven’t composed any music at all, or studied more music theory as I had planned to this break. Instead, I've dedicated most of my freetime to making this site. I guess it IS partly due to the fact that I forgot to bring my monitor back home, so I couldn’t access Ableton, but I've just been kind of intimidated by music production lately. On the brighter side, I got into all of the medical programs I applied to, and even got a scholarship to the one I had wanted to get into the most. I’m not that passionate about my future profession, but that's a whole discussion for another time. It just felt a bit anticlimactic, my parents didn’t celebrate or even think much of my accomplishments/the hard work I’ve put in to get to this point for the past 4 years. With my last semester in college coming up, I feel as if I’m in some kind of dreaded calm before the storm, like it’s the last breath of freedom I get before I cuff myself to a railroad.
My friend came over to my house to spend Christmas with my family. It was a nice change of pace showing them around my city and staying up late at night watching 2nd gen k-pop mv’s from our childhood on the projector. We watched a lot of sheena ringo too. By the time they left though, my social battery was completely drained…and I felt like a shell of a human being. This is something about myself that I wish I could fix. While I love my friend, there are parts of myself I have to always mask around most people, and it really exhausts me, both mentally and physically. When I have to mask for long periods of time, I usually end up feeling really hollow and easily irritable. This is why I have fewer and fewer friends every year. Watching old k-pop mv’s reignited my love for g-dragon though, and I have been looping his music videos and interviews every day to get me through my slump. He really is called the king of k-pop for a reason. Rewatching his dance practices had me in awe of his mesmerizing stage presence. He carries this natural swag and groove that make his choreography look effortless and relaxed, yet super sharp and precise. Idk it just feels so expensive. Truly a born dancer in my books. Personally, my favorite dance video of GD’s is the dance practice for Good Boy. I’ll link it below if you’d like to watch him :D (he’s the one in the beanie and flannel).

My favorite live performance of his will always be either 니가 뭔데 or Black, both of which I will link below. In 니가 뭔데, he exudes such a boyish charisma that will always steal my childhood-fangirl heart. The outfit in this live show was also just…legendary. GD was usually always dripped out in flashy clothing, so I remember this simple/more idol-like/boy next door fit was sooo charming to see on him. The timberlands make me wanna cry from nostalgia (also what was up with kpop’s random obsession with them in the 2010’s?!). I also adore the choreo in this song, especially the part at 0:53. His smile is so foxy/cat-like here… I love it so much. Anyways, my friend is the number 1 GD x kiko shipper so she insisted to me that GD wrote this about kiko after they broke up, which i guess makes the whole thing that much cuter XD.

Moving on to Black, GD’s face card kills me every time I watch this live. He actually looks 2D, as many of the comments will point out, and his side profile here will always make my nose bleed. I think what I particularly love about this live show is his gaze while performing and the overall styling. The subtle smoky eye and black suit really adds to the atmosphere…and he also looks so so pretty in white hair. Sorry this has turned into me just drooling over GD in his prime LOL but what can I say… he rewired my brain chemistry back when I was in elementary school.

Watching his old performances now is a bit painful, knowing how the relentless bullying and harassment from Korean media gradually wore down his spark. I think the reason GD remained such an iconic figure in kpop comes down to his complex personality. He has this stark duality where a part of him is this charismatic and effortless performer/party animal active in underground clubs, but behind that image is also a disciplined, musically gifted producer and leader. He's also openly revealed his more anxious/lonely side, and this contrast between his public persona and his battle with mental health, impacted heavily by the pressures from unfair public scrutiny and the media, has deepened my support for him as a fan. He's helped me get through a lot in my early life, and I really wish GD peace and healing (oh my god i sound so parasocial).
As for other media I have been recycling through this month, I have been rereading a lot of Kaoru Fujiwara's works, especially Sono Saki no Fuukei. I think I will make a separate blog post about her in the future, as she is one of my favorite mangaka. I gravitate to her works a lot when I am in a weird headspace. I also got through half of the Galerians - Rion movie and I really like it so far. I've never gotten the chance to play the game, but I plan to watch a play through once I'm done with the movie. Thoughts will be out later.
I also have been baking again! I forgot how much I enjoy the process, and it's been helping me destress. This month, I baked salt bread, earl gray sponge cake with early gray chantilly frosting, and flaky egg tarts. I'll put some pictures of the pastries when I get the chance.
Thanks for reading this far if you have managed to get past me glazing GD… I’m traveling to amsterdam (my very first europe trip) in a few days to visit my internet best friend of 5 years. I’m very nervous as I’m pretty awkward at these kind of things and I’m scared she’ll be disappointed in me if I’m different irl than the image of me she had built in her head over the years. You guys will find out soon enough if all went well! Also, happy new years in advance!

Diary Entry 1: Poison Girlfriend

08/25/25

This week I went to poison girlfriends concert alone before my physiology midterm. I was contemplating on not going to study but I am so glad I decided to go, with the encouragement of my friend to choose life experiences over academics now. It was the best concert I have ever had the blessing of experiencing. I truly felt the wonder of seeing an artist up close, singing and sharing their love for music in such an intimate, passionate atmosphere. It relit my love for performance and connection, and I will stand on a stage someday doing the same. I stood on the side of the stage, and filmed mother soki and noriko with my new camcorder. Mother soki and her guitarist had incredible chemistry and spark, and their passion for music and texture using their pedals was so inspiring and infectious. Noriko held my hand, her hand was so soft and I will never forget that moment as she sang to me. She also sang falling from twin peaks, and the ambient colorful lights on the stage with the hazy atmosphere transported me to the bar in twin peaks! I can’t describe with words how I felt throughout and after the show. My chest felt light and cold, in a blissful refreshing way. And there were two girls that talked to me after the show, they were both so nice. The crowd was also so sweet and respectful. I also was able to get a good grade in my exam, with hard work the morning after the concert. Everything turned out alright and good. I am happy.